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What’s Holding Us Back

fear-itself

I’ve been putting off this post for a long time. I probably should have written it three years ago. But, each time, I thought to myself, “I don’t want to write about negativity on my blog. I want this to be a positive and empowering space for people (especially women) to be inspired to pick up a power tool and/or complete that DIY project they’ve been putting off.”

hammer_pry_bar_under_crown_mold

This past week I witnessed and endured something that made my blood boil. Supposed DIY experts belittling women. Most of the behavior wasn’t blatant, it was subtle. Some of it was body language (crossed arms, wide leg stance and a scowl while being asked a question.) And some of it was not so subtle with a condescending comment or tone. And this behavior made me mad. No—take that back—it burned me up inside!

Why? Because I have a dream that one day when any woman walks into a hardware store or a home improvement store it will NOT BE ASSUMED that she isn’t handy or that she is incapable of completing a major home renovation or repair. I dream that there will be a day that the stereotypes about women and men will cease to exist. And I know that any woman that is belittled or turned away from DIY is one less step toward my dream.

lumber_in_acadiaSandra of SawdustGirl.com and myself

Therefore, I think it’s time to address that big fat wall that’s holding us back. What is it that scares you about DIY? Is it the fear of a power tool? The fear of screwing something up?  Of injuring yourself? Of breaking something?

Well, it’s time to break down that wall!

First, you need to peel back those layers and really address why you don’t think you can. Did you get messages from others that became part of your beliefs about your own abilities?

How was that wall built? Did it start when you were a child? Did your Dad or Mom tell you not to touch a tool for fear you might hurt yourself? Did your Uncle or neighbor laugh at you when they saw you trying to fix something? What was it? Usually that wall is a culmination of years of messages that get embedded into your brain, until you are stripped of the self confidence necessary to try something new.

Do any of these messages sound familiar:

  • “That’s a man’s job. Let a man do it.”
  • “You might break it.”
  • “You’re not strong enough.”
  • “Why don’t you hire a professional?”
  • “Here, let me help you with that.”
  • “Stand back, I’ll take care of it.”
  • “Don’t hurt yourself.”

Or was it a more subtle message from a professional or someone more experienced who threw a bunch of technical jargon at you making you feel confused or inferior.

I want to share with you some of the nasty comments I receive (especially on YouTube.) The comments are direct assaults on my self esteem and confidence. After reading them, I often begin to doubt my own abilities. Here are just a few of those nasty comments:

  • You really should remove your power tool tutorials. Some idiot is going to seriously hurt themselves.
  • What she is saying is completely wrong esp the part about wetting the caulk but at least she is trying.
  • Woman, you do it wrong
  • Get back in the kitchen where you belong.
  • Women shouldn’t use MAN tools. There is a reason god made you bare children and born with a frying pan in your hand.. This is the same as being a lesbian in my book seeing a woman pick up a tool!

AND then this person left a reply to that last degrading comment:

“Hey dude with the negative comments toward women… disrespectful !  Why can’t a women use power tools?  She can do whatever she likes.  I think you are old school curmudgeon that is afraid of women, and in controlling what they do, that keeps you feeling like KING SHIT ON TURD ISLAND.  Newsflash – we’re in 2014 – get used to it loser!  I hope you are man enough to apologize to Brittany for your loser comments.”

I wanted to high five that commenter! He had it right. There are a lot of people who are threatened by women who can DIY. They view it as a threat to their masculinity. Heaven forbid a woman realize that using a power tool or fixing something isn’t rocket science.

Let me be the first to tell you. You CAN do it! That wall of negative and self-deprecating messages is going to come down NOW! No offense to anyone who is a plumber or knows a plumber, but I sincerely doubt that you have any less brain cells than that guy who’s mooning you while trying to fix your leaky sink. He just has a little more knowledge and experience at tightening slip nuts and p-traps (sorry, I didn’t mean to throw out the technical jargon.) However, when that plumber started, he had no more expertise than you do. He may have been trained in an apprenticeship or trade school But, lucky for you, today there is a wealth of resources to teach you how to fix anything! YouTube, Google, FamilyHandyman.com and many many many blogs that will help you complete a DIY project using step-by-step tutorials!

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Still fearful of using a power tool? Well, here are the facts. If you are safety conscious, you will take the time to read the manual and go slow when learning how to use a new power tool. You will have less of a risk of injuring yourself than a seasoned pro. Why is that? I call it the healthy fear factor. If you respect the tool and have a healthy fear of it, you will double-check that you are keeping your hands and body away from the tool. You will be sure that your hair is tied back and you have removed any jewelry or loose clothing. You will not rush through a cut or task. You will give that tool your full attention and make sure that you are staying safe.

A few years ago one of my favorite contractors told me he had to retire. He had accidentally cut off one of his fingers. This is a man who had been building and fixing for decades! And he cut his finger off. How? He told me, “Brittany, I was stupid. I did not respect that tool and it bit me. I was rushing through a job and cut my finger off with an angle grinder. I’ve used that tool hundreds of times and was complacent and didn’t give it my full attention.” And that is why it is important to ALWAYS respect the tool. It’s okay to have a healthy fear of power tools! In fact, it is what will keep you safe.

I encourage you to take a hard look at that wall of negative attitudes about DIY.

Don’t let someone rob you of your self confidence. If you are reading this post, know that you are an intelligent human being who is capable of much more than you give yourself credit for. Grab that wall and pull it down. Believe in yourself and tackle that DIY project. I’m here if you have questions. I’m here to give you positive encouragement. Just think to yourself, “What Would Pretty Handy Girl say?” and build up a platform of positive thoughts and messages so you can dive off the top of that wall of crap!

What’s the worst that can happen if you do try to fix or build something? If you screw it up, so what! Call in that professional. But, stick right by his or her side and watch how they fix it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. AND hopefully they will keep their butt crack inside their pants. Should you succeed at the project, rejoice! Celebrate and share with your girlfriends. Let’s break down the stereotype wall together.

she-believed

Feel free to leave a comment below about that time you were talked down to or someone made a condescending remark. Let’s all lift each other up and reassure one another that we can do it! High fives all around!

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P.s. This post is dedicated to my blogging friend and fellow power tool wielding DIY Rock Star! You go girl! 

109 replies
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  1. Carla
    Carla says:

    I am always astonished when a woman tells me I am brave to do DIY. My answer is always if I screw it up I can call a professional but I’m going to try first. I am now 58 and I am seeing myself start to doubt what I can do because I’m getting older. This attitude frightens me. I have always felt I could do anything a man could do. So I am going to work on this attitude. You are great Brittany.

    Reply
  2. Jessica @ Decor Adventures
    Jessica @ Decor Adventures says:

    I’m really glad you posted this. I have a different option of a certain company about what I heard about this past weekend and I hope it gets resolved.

    I know what it’s like to hear men say ignorant things to women. I was at a market once looking at tools when the vendor yelled to me “Hey honey, come over here. We have PINK tools just for you.” I’m lucky my husband grabbed my shoulders and guided me away from the scene before I could reply. He knew I was furious.

    I know that this blog and Sandra’s are making a positive difference and hope you both keep than in mind in tough times. Love you both!

    Reply
  3. Michelle
    Michelle says:

    I love this post soooo much!!!!! You keep on preachin’ it, girl! I love your blog, I’m always telling my husband about your projects, or tools you’ve recommended. (We have some power tool envy. lol) I’m constantly talking my husband into another insane remodel in our house (like gut down to the studs overhauls) and I’ve learned so much working alongside him over the years. I now have friends asking if they can come over and learn how to use power tools at my house. I love it!

    Your blog and your work is inspiring women everywhere. You’ve taken the mystery out of power tools for so many. Keep up the good work!!!

    Reply
  4. Tambarino
    Tambarino says:

    This is my first comment on your blog, although I have been stopping by to look at your projects for a long time. As a young girl, my mom worked in a machine shop. I watched her singlehandedly take our water heater apart to repair the heating element. It never occurred to me that girls could not repair or build things. Surely, I thought, being able to grow facial hair is not a requirement to use a drill or a saw or a nail gun. These things are no more difficult to use than a sewing machine or a mixer or a vacuum cleaner.

    Generally, when I visit our local big box hardware store, I am greeted by helpful employees who answer my questions without hesitation. Occasionally, someone will appear pleasantly surprised that I am a DIYer. Rarely, however, I will get the ol’ “Why isn’t your husband buying this lumber?” or the ever popular, “When your husband installs this faucet, remind him to…” or the crowd pleasing, “What is your husband building?” I feel your pain! 🙂

    Happily, our 22 year old daughter isn’t the least bit afraid to pick up a hammer or screwdriver. Girl power!!

    Thanks for your awesome blog.

    Reply
  5. Karen @ Dogs Don't Eat Pizza
    Karen @ Dogs Don't Eat Pizza says:

    Amen, Brittany. I will never forget when we first moved into our home and a plumber was here fixing something and he asked me where my husband kept the screwdriver. I informed him that my husband wouldn’t know where I keep the screwdriver.
    You have always been so helpful when I’ve had DIY questions, so I encourage your readers to take you seriously when you say we can ask you questions. Thank you for that. And thank you for writing this. It’s so important. Thank you, thank you.

    Reply
  6. Nancy B of Lake Stevens
    Nancy B of Lake Stevens says:

    Brittany, yesterday I paid 2 handymen $60 per hour each for a total of 4man hours of work. Add in the charge for the service call??? and the tax, I paid out $304.08. What for you ask.They put up one drapery rod, raised another drapery rod, installed a towel bar, installed 2 hook and rail units, installed a new shelf in a closet, notched a baseboard and nailed it to a bookcase, notched 3 slats for a bed and replaced the little round inset door pulls on a closet door. Tools? an battery powered screwdriver and a small saw. Now I am 68 yrs old but I gotta tell you I am getting me one of those DeWalt drill/screwdrivers thingies (got to figure out what is what) with the little light in it for the next round of drapery rods, etc. Thanks for the support.

    Reply
  7. Lisa
    Lisa says:

    This coming September it will be 41 years since I joined the Army. During the three years I was in, I was stationed in 3 countries – the U.S. for school, Thailand, and Germany – and had two types of jobs – in an operations building manning a direction finding station and teletype and a field position which required me to build antenna fields. No one acted like I couldn’t do it. Everyone was expected to pull their own weight. My first experience with prejudice came from a black male sergeant who made my last few months in the service miserable. As far as he was concerned, I had 3 strikes against me – 1) I was a woman. 2) I was married. and 3) I was a married woman in the service. He’s probably the reason I got out of the Army when I did. However, that was the *only* experience with sex-bias I ran into the entire time I was in.

    Life after I got out was vastly different. You have to understand, I *expected* to be treated the same as anyone else, male or female; I *expected* to earn what I was worth; I *expected* to be able to have any job I wanted. After all, my high school years were during a time when women were fighting for equal rights. It was an empowering age to be in, I can promise you that. I bought into it, hook line and sinker and I still believe in it very strongly.

    My husband’s uncle told me – to. my. face. – that only two types of women joined the service – lesbians and hookers. Before I walked out (It wouldn’t have been polite to sock him one.), I asked him which one he thought I was. He eventually apologized.

    I’ve worked in typical women’s professions (administrative assistant, office manager, accounts payable and receivable, etc) and am currently employed as a landscape gardener, a position I have greatly enjoyed for the past 12 years. Recently, I went to the VA arthritis specialist because my hands were killing me and learned I have carpel tunnel in both hands. Both the doctor who did the nerve conduction test and the RA physicians did a double-take when they learned what my current profession was. Some of that is probably because of my age (I’m 59), but I’m sure most of it was because of my sex. “You’ve come a long way, baby.” indeed. ~sigh~

    I look forward to the day when jobs are no longer defined by sex and when women earn equal pay for equal work and when comments like the ones you have had to endure are censured by the entire community and not just one commenter. Keep up the good work, Brittany. You are an inspiration to us all.

    Reply
  8. Toni now in Washington
    Toni now in Washington says:

    Your post brought tears to my eyes! Tears of joy! I am recently divorced, after 35 years, and have a old (almost as old as me!) single wide trailer at the beach. I WANT to do the work myself. Unfortunately I often talk myself out of it. Lack of experience as much as lack of confidence. I see many projects done on vintage travel trailers and that is what I want to do with “Lucy” (doesn’t everyone name their trailer?) but on a larger scale. I have been afraid to start even the simplest project. Other than painting, I’m pretty good at painting. But now, this post, has me excited again about doing things myself! Once fall comes, I will start….okay, maybe taking out a closet and replacing the birch paneling that was standard on these old trailers is a little start but I WILL do it. For now, it’s yardwork, lots of yardwork. New skills learned here have been how to terrace a yard and learning to use a rototiller. And I am sanding and painting the exterior. Thank you! I’m keeping this post for positive reinforcement!

    Reply
    • Brittany Bailey
      Brittany Bailey says:

      Toni, you go girl! I know you can take on much more than you give yourself credit for. Take it one task at a time and don’t be afraid to mess up. I hope you send me pictures of Lucy in the future!

      Reply
  9. Karah @ thespacebetweenblog
    Karah @ thespacebetweenblog says:

    This reminds of the time just after we bought our first house and we’d go to the local hardware store and I’d ask the employees my questions about the projects we were thinking of tackling and he’d turn and answer to my husband … who finally chimed in and said “Dude, I have no idea what she’s talking about, you should talk to her, she’s the one who is asking and is going to do the work”. I do think a key to success is not even giving those attitudes a second thought. And I’m so bummed we didn’t get a chance to hang out more at Haven, I felt like every time I saw you one of us was dragged away by something. Glad we got our photos though!!

    Reply
    • Brittany Bailey
      Brittany Bailey says:

      Karah, it’s so wonderful to have men that are willing to stand behind us and point out the idiotic views that women aren’t handy! Great seeing you too and hope we get to see each other sooner than next year.

      Reply
  10. Mary Barber
    Mary Barber says:

    No doubt I am considerably older than you (73). I can remember a time when a woman was really out of place in a hardware store or lumber yard, unless of course, she came in with her husband. I was incensed when I would go to purchase a part or supply I needed when the employee, a man, of course, would imply that my husband should be one in there to make the purchase since he would know exactly what I needed. That is when I decided I would learn the proper names of the parts and what they were used for. I feel I gained new respect that way but it did take a long time. I was fortunate enough to be married to a man who encouraged me to learn to do as much as I could to work with my hands. We worked side by side on many projects and I took on some on my own. After his death, I continued to do the maintenance work on our house and have done very well. The only thing I am uncomfortable with is electrical so when I need help in that department I do not hesitate to call a professional. There are still men out there who don’t respect women and their abilities but we have come a long way, baby!

    Reply
  11. Gwen
    Gwen says:

    Oh, my gosh! Everytime I walk into a hardware store with my husband they always talk to him. At least, until he says they need to talk to me b/c he doesn’t do our DIY stuff! One time, I almost got into an argument b/c the guy was telling me I couldn’t hang my porch swing like I was describing. I had to go home, look at my research again… and then go back and get the stuff without asking!

    That sucker is still up there, so I guess I did it right!

    Girl power, yo.

    P.S. LOVED seeing you againg at Haven. Rock on.

    Reply
  12. terry wilson
    terry wilson says:

    Thank heavens! I get so tired of having to dig to find out simple things men take for granted (how to drive a nail straight or how and when to use a nail gun). I just wish they would make all tools easier to use. Why do you have to have the strength of an elephant to get tighten a bit in a drill. Why don’t they make good gloves for women and stock them in the big box stores. I am a single woman (age 62) who has learned to try many things considered “manly”. I am teaching my self to build bee hives because I am a bee keeper.
    I do not know of any tool be it a hammer or a dish cloth that is stamped male or female.

    Reply
  13. Angie
    Angie says:

    I LOVE THIS! And my blood is boiling right along with you! I absolutely loathe that mentality about women. I’m so glad to see you tackle this issue- despite the situation being negative(the stupid comments etc), this post is absolutely empowering! I agree that often times it really is someone feeling threatened by it, and they lash out. Kudos to the commenter who stuck up for you and all women, really!

    Reply
  14. Courtney Wilson
    Courtney Wilson says:

    Thank you SO much for this! You and so many other DIY women have inspired me to be (as my husband proudly says) “dangerously self confident”. I love that description of myself and I have women like you to thank for it.

    When I was pregnant with baby number 5 I built a new dining room table and also designed and built a co-sleeper (the most traffic I get on my blog is for those instructions). I also made a few videos on how to use an HVLP spray paint gun (because I couldn’t find anything that assumed someone was a beginner).

    I got ONE comment on those five videos and it was some nasty guy who told me what an idiot I was because I was doing it while pregnant.

    I wrote this response to him on my blog 🙂 I didn’t post it directly on his comment on youtube because I didn’t want to start a war, but writing it was SO cathartic 🙂

    http://ordinaryhappilyeverafter.com/blog/2012/10/dear-commenter/

    Reply
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